My earliest memories were filled with so much joy. Family, consisting of my momma, dad, two half-sisters (one 12 and the other 16), my little brother (3 years younger than me), two grandmas, grandpa, aunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of super cool cousins. Then, I turned 7 and all hell broke loose in my life.
Growing up, the thought of having kids made me nauseous. All I wanted to do was travel the world, help people, have a talk show, and do infomercials. Kids would ruin that. Plus, I had no intentions of ever getting married because I wanted to have sex with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I was doing a great job of that.
Two of the girls I had dated had abortions, so I dodged a bullet there, a couple of bullets actually. Even with all my father’s warning about “knocking up some broad”, I never hesitated to cum inside of whoever I was having sex with only to ask if they were on the pill afterward. The day I found out I had a 3-year-old daughter, Oklahoma and Texas were playing in the Red River Rivalry and I was attending college at Florida Atlantic University.
I was a cheerleader having the time of my life, with the most amazing people, partying like a rock star, and making a lot of money both from my job and from letting an older guy blow or have sex with me. I was doing anything and everything I wanted to do; started doing porn that ended after 3 tries, and had my first blackout on the club drug, GHB (Gamma-hydroxybutyrate).
I was living what I thought was my best life but with the extreme highs and the extreme lows of my moods, hallucinations, insane visions, and the inability to sleep, I went to a psychiatrist to get Adderall and ended up leaving with 8 other medications as well. My drug use had spiked a lot but I was still getting things done. The adderall helped only in making me want to do coke or meth more. Meth was not really around much in Boca but cocaine was everywhere, and it was good. The ecstasy was perfect though because for an evening or two, it made life feel so perfect and it gave me something to believe in. Me.
Maybe my reaction to hearing “you need to take a paternity test” would have been a lot different had I been rolling my face off on Ecstasy, but the call came in midafternoon and I was sober, watching the big rivalry football game. After the woman claiming to be the mother of my child made her demand, I said “Go fuck yourself.” followed with “I thought it was that attorney guy’s kid”. Days later, I took the paternity test. Once I got the results, I remember thinking my life was over. The feeling of dread, realizing that I needed to do the right thing and be a dad, hit me hard.
I left Boca Raton, Florida a few months later, with the full intention of trying to be a dad. Once I arrived in Oklahoma City, I arranged a meeting with the mom and my now 3-year-old daughter, over some Mexican food. It was the strangest feeling of my life...to look at someone who looks just like me that I felt no connection with. My daughter’s mother really pressed for us to have a relationship. The problem was, I was seeing someone I met back in Boca, and quite frankly the only thing I liked about her was the sex we had that made a baby, or was it the times we did meth together when I would visit from Hawaii?
The more she pressured me to be in a relationship, the more I pulled further away. The few times I had been around my daughter were awful experiences because all she did was cry, and I had no idea how to make her stop. I had no idea what I was doing, and I was not sure this was the life for me.
The girl I had been dating in Florida was supposed to move to Oklahoma City with me but she never showed up. That opened the doors for me being set up with the most beautiful girl I had ever seen yet had zero chemistry with. Having no chemistry with this woman didn’t matter because being with her made me believe I could be a good father. She came from an awesome family, and she would help me be “normal”.
We got married. I cannot say I ever loved her, but I was in love with her family. I was cheating on her with massage girls, hookers, and occasionally a couple while she was at work. By the time her workday was done, I was home playing the role of husband...and dad. We ended up getting custody of my daughter by setting a trap for her mother that allowed us to take emergency custody. More or less, we proved that she had endangered my daughter with her meth use, and of course, I did as good of a job as possible in hiding my cocaine abuse.
My new wife wanted a baby and what she wanted she got. It was not a month after our engagement that she picked out two additional setting stones to add to her ring because the $3,500 ring I bought her was not good enough. Her mother went to the market, bought the stones, and then sent me the bill. If she wanted a bigger house, she got it regardless of the fact that we had just bought a house. When she wanted a new car, she got that too. I learned a lot from her dad about keeping a woman happy. Keep a woman happy and she will be distracted from a man’s mischief.
My wife and I ended up getting pregnant with twins and as much as I wanted to be excited, I was terrified. I had a hard enough time being a good dad for the daughter I already had. Adding a new baby boy and a baby girl with the responsibility of trying to get my act together had me feeling like the life I wanted was slipping farther and farther away. I knew in my heart; I was not fit to be a father.
I had taken a small break from doing cocaine and cheating for most of the pregnancy, with a few slip-ups. One rainy afternoon, I started looking at Craigslist under the Erotic Encounters section determined to satisfy the desire that had been building up like a volcano, about to erupt. The dark wings began to flap as I could feel Its hunger inside of me grow, it was not happy with me for ignoring It for so long.
Hunting on Craigslist was something I had done hundreds of times before. I had a good feel for how to spot fake profiles and keep myself from falling for the bait and switch kind of situations. I came across a profile that literally made my entire body spike with adrenaline; I could not believe someone so sexy was offering a girlfriend experience for only $200. That meant I could kiss her and bang her with no condom. It was the win-win I was looking for.
I wasn’t able to get cocaine ahead of time so while sitting outside in the parking lot of the hotel, I snorted two Adderall’s. Feeling a bit euphoric, I went to the room to meet up with this woman that seemed too good to be true. She was laying on the bed when we met, and she asked me if I had the money. I told her yes, then she asked me to lay the money on the nightstand and get undressed while she put something “more comfortable” on. I happily obliged but when she went to the bathroom to change my heart sank.
A loud knocking started at the door, and I heard “I wonder who that is?” As the door opened, “POLICE!” and 5 officers with guns pointed at me came running through the doors.
The days following were a living hell and extremely embarrassing. Since I got caught up in a sting that was meant for a few military guys, my name made the national news. I wound up on John.TV and I was a shame to my family, again. Even worse, I was forced to discuss my sex addiction with family...of course, I lied. Arriving home that day I was confronted by family and was given the ultimatum demanding I go to 12 step meetings to heal my addiction. On top of that, they thought it was best that my older daughter goes back to her mom who had just spent the last year in rehab.
I hated them for making me send her back. In the end, it was because they did not want my daughter around the twins. I hated my wife even more. She was a soulless bitch who had no heart. I lost connection with my daughter completely and my drug abuse escalated. More and more I would disappear for 10-hour stretches of time. Eventually, that would grow into over 24-hour periods, which landed me in rehab for a few months in a small town outside Taos, New Mexico.
It was in rehab that I confessed to cheating. Not all cases of cheating, just the one I knew she was going to find out about when she went through my computer while I was away. She filed for divorce immediately. All of my things were packed up for me and put in my soon-to-be repossessed truck. While I was in rehab, Medicare had cut allowables in half which meant at least some of my income from our family business disappeared with it. Being faced with paying child support for twins and spousal support to a woman I hated only served to fuel my rage and desire for revenge.
Eleven months into our divorce I was seeing a woman in Tulsa, Oklahoma who had a kid with autism. I wanted to like that kid but just could not connect with him. I found ways to avoid going to Tulsa to visit when he was around, most of the time. It was the advantage of having a long-distance relationship, and it made cheating easier too. It was in Tulsa, however, that I learned about the plan my ex-father-in-law had to get me to give up custody of the kids. I had fallen behind on child support, or was it spousal support? Who knows because I was paying her 2,000 to 3,000 a month already but clearly that was not enough for her. Although I was court-ordered to pay more, the amount was insane.
I was completely backed into a corner. My options were either giving the kids up for adoption or going to court and getting destroyed by her father. Her father was a brilliant attorney and a man I admired very much, also including his wife. They were good to me, but I also feared them because they had something more impactful than money and that was power. After I signed away my kids, I went on a dating spree that was so desperate in nature it should have scared people away. When I met women on dates, I would share how awful I was but how hard I was trying to get my life on track and somehow that got me laid more than I could have ever done pretending to have my life together. I was out on dates 3 to 4 nights a week and on the other nights I was doing drugs and having sex with strangers. I hated being alone, so I was either on dates ‘falling in love’ with people I barely knew, or I was at a stranger or hooker’s house doing meth and having sex.
Match.com proved to be the best swinger’s website I had ever been on but that did not stop me from being on sex sites and apps too. I had lost complete contact with my daughter at that point, and I started dating another woman with two kids. Her love was so intense, I couldn’t handle it, so I frequently pushed her away. She was positive about everything and always happy. No matter what, she was happy, and I hated that. I could never understand how in the world she could ever love me. While we were dating, I cheated often with men and women, but I only shared about me having sex with guys, which at first she seemed ok with it.
When we hung out, I always had fun; she would do whatever I wanted and never told me no. We would do cocaine together and hook up with other guys but that only happened a few times until she decided that she loved me too much to share me with anyone else. I tried to go along with it, I tried to be good but that only lasted a few weeks before I was sneaking around cheating. We got married after a few months of dating because I loved her, and she did make me better at what I would allow her to. I had cordoned off a big part of my heart from her though. I felt she had tricked me into marrying her, keeping me from being “me”. Even cheating on her did not satisfy me because I wanted her to be a part of it. I wanted her with me when I was with other guys, and she took that from me too.
I tried to be good, I really did, but every time I got annoyed with the kids or felt like I was giving too much time to my family I would hear It...echoing in my head, feeding me the information I needed to get me out of the house and back to partying with one of the regular hookups I got meth from or strangers in hotel rooms. I resented being a dad to those kids because I felt they were in the way of our relationship. It felt as if it was not for the kids, I could have had the relationship I wanted with their mom.
The last time I got caught cheating ended our marriage. Even though I loved her, I was happy it was over.
I wanted to be me and there was nothing about me that wanted or needed kids in my life. Finding myself divorced again, I made up my mind that I was going to be upfront about what I must have sexually to be happy, and that was a loving relationship with a woman that allowed for us to bring other men into the bedroom. I also wanted to be able to party and do drugs when I wanted so I ensured in my dating profiles on apps that I made it clear what I was looking for. I felt free and I acted in celebration mode with each and every hookup moving forward. I was the life of the party again and then after each party ended, I would disappear, back in the shadows. My double life now had its own double life and I worked tirelessly to keep It fed and happy. Every time I felt Its presence, or Its groan, I did not resist anymore, I just said “yes” and started my hunt.
My father’s death came at the perfect time, and I finally received the inheritance I felt was rightfully mine. I could buy all the drugs and sex I wanted, and nothing could stop me. Christmas Eve that year I ran into the ex-girlfriend I had dated right before this last marriage. Seeing her again brought back all the amazing feelings I had about her, and I knew I should not have broken up with her in the first place. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship but at least I could start the rekindling of our friendship off honestly, without fear.
I never expected the truth about my desires to be received so well. I discovered quickly that she was the answer to all my prayers.